September 27th, 2011 by sixpegs

Can you fall in love with someone you hardly know?
For me, I’m not sure if one could fall in love this way.
But I believe in that immense connection that could happen between two complete strangers.
There would be signs everywhere.
Like how you can feel for the other person so intensely even when you hardly know each other.
And how it feels like you could almost look into her soul through her eyes if you looked harder.

Someone made me feel this way.
And I had never felt anything like this before.
It’s not about liking the same movie, or having the same favourite restaurant anymore.
It was connection on a deeper level – way beyond anything I have ever had.

She made me feel vulnerable and powerless but safe at the same time.
There was assurance amidst the fear.
Like I could stand naked in a crowded room and still feel strong.
I felt like I was young again and there was so much more to know, so many more places to venture out to.

She was just like another “me” – not exactly the same, but like the missing piece of puzzle that fits me so snuggly.
I don’t know her but it felt like I have known her for so long.

But it was frightening because I was at my weakest when I met her.
I was angry with almost everything I had, I was angry with myself and
I was nonchalant about things that were supposed to be important.

It was a gamble, and I know very well that one wrong decision could have cost me everything I have.
She was, afterall, someone I barely knew.
It could all be a facade.

It felt like I was playing with fire.
I knew that the longer I stayed, the harder it would be to escape.
I was tempted and curious.
But above all that, I was even more confused because it didn’t feel like a crime at all.

She was a wrong that felt so right.
And I fell so hard for her.

This is a song she gave me back then.
As I listen to the song and type out every word in the lyrics here,
I relived the moments when I was falling for her again.
I remembered how scared but powerful she made me feel.

Are You Lightning?

And so we meet and there are sparks.
It’s gold, it’s new and free from sharks.
Your house is big, it seems so clean.
Your cleaning lady comes and we’re discreet.

Are you lightning?
Cause I’m waiting.
What’s the timing?
I’m not playing.

And so I act like I’m 21.
Wide eyed and drifting Mon to Sun.
Payback is here, my legs are numbs.
I’m back at square one feeling dumb.

Sweet things – when do they come?
Have I gone deaf?
What’s the song?

Are you lightning?
Cause I’m waiting.
This is frightening.
I’m not playing.

I see you in my sheets.
I see you in my sleep.
I see you through the mirror.
You sing when I’m too steep.
The only thing I’m scared of is the secret that you keep.

I know where you are.
I don’t know where you are.
Don’t make the other wonder, the others might sting.
Tell me what you’re thinking, do not let me twist.
Just look at the size of you.

I see you in my sheets.
I see you in my sleep.
I see you with something that’s funny.
I hear you I almost weep.
I see you from my steps, you’re walking up my street.
Just look at the size of you.

The sunshine on and on.
The sunshine on and on.

xx

And the sunshine did shine on and on from there.

I know this entry should have come much earlier.
But it still isn’t easy writing about it at this point of time.
As much as I feel that there is a need to clarify,
I know I don’t owe anyone any explanation.

She told me that it will not be easy.
It will not be easy coming to terms with myself,
coming to terms with my family and friends, coming to terms with the society.

Sometimes I don’t even know what I am.

All I know is that the affection I had for this person is way beyond what I should have for someone of the same gender.
The thing is, it really doesn’t matter what she is, who she is, or where she went to before she came to me.
I love what I see when I look at her, and how we could have so little yet so much in common.

I love her and love needs no classification.
I hope things will not get too hard for us.

July 13th, 2011 by sixpegs

Everybody has changed.
Yesterday, I realized that for every relationship that I have been in,
I grew a little, and died a little at the same time.
After being in and out of a couple relationships, I became a little tired inevitably.
Tired of trying to understand a whole new person from scratch. Tired of starting all over.
But fortunately, I was never tired to love.
In fact, love is the only fuel to keep me from getting jaded.

Though a part of me died in every relationship that ended, I believe I am fundamentally still who I was.
She told me that this whole “growing and dying” part is called Change.
Inevitable. And it happens to everyone.
I haven’t been less of a person. I’m just different, that’s all.
I have changed. I grew.

Everyone has a past.
No one but ourselves have the ability to decide whether we want to learn from it and move on,
or dwell in it and suffer.

When I think back on what my life has been so far, I feel aimless.
I think I am a optimistic/pessimistic schizophrenic.
Sometimes I thought I was really cool because I have been dealing with crises in life pretty well,
like I would be able to survive anything.
Sometimes, I feel like a slightest wave could drown me without warning.
I feel unsettled.

How do people equate a life well-lived?
By whether you have married?
By whether you have children?
By how much money you make a year?
By how many countries you have been to?
Or by how many generations of descendants one has at one’s funeral?

Are people who grow old alone in their little apartments really unhappy?
Or if you have 10 children and live in a huge mansion, does that mean you have lived your life well?

There are many ways to be happy.
And for today, I hope we can all learn how to not judge people based on what we think is best for them.

June 30th, 2011 by sixpegs

我们都是彼此的过客。
尽管你使劲牢牢地握住手里所拥有的一切，
它也会在你没留意时悄悄地溜走。
有时，是在你完全不知情的情况下发生。
更多时候，你自己潜意识中大概早已料到，
但却没有力气，勇气，能量去阻止它的离去。

我们都是彼此的过客。
聚在这生命的舞台上，编写着自己的故事。
能在拥挤的舞台上相遇是一种奇妙的缘分。
能遇见一个人，不管过程有多煎熬，都是一种福分。
如果大家都能这样想，在落幕时我们就不会有丝毫的遗憾。
我真的珍惜和我一起编写我的故事的每一个人。

May 12th, 2011 by sixpegs

And so the nasty comments have stopped coming in.
Well, at least for now.
To all those out there who wanted to bring me down with those words, you guys succeeded.
They hurt me because there is some truth in some of the things said.
And they give me immense guilt, even at times when I’m trying to not think about it.
It’s not a good feeling to not be the first one to mention and address these issues on my own virtual space.

But on the other hand, I am glad things turned out this way.
Without being forced to face the problem, I think I’ll never be able to initiate and talk about it.

I felt upset, angry, frightened and amused at the same time.
Upset because I am hurting too but nobody sees it from my point of view.
Angry because I have so much that I cannot say aloud.
Frightened by the things that have yet to come.
Amused by how people think they know me just reading the things I wrote.

I learn a little bit more everyday.
From conversations, from people I meet, from interactions, from what I possess, from what I don’t possess.
From people who mattered, and even from people who didn’t matter much.
It all feels so foreign yet so familiar.
I feel like a 16-year-old trapped in this 26-year-old body.
I feel exhilarated and liberated and free.
I feel like I can lose every single thing in my life and still feel happy.
I feel like I can lose my way in a totally unfamiliar place and not feel a single bit of fear.
I feel like a child again, like I can start all over.
I feel brave, and so should you.

P.S I know I don’t really make much sense.

April 26th, 2011 by sixpegs

Forgetting is so long.

April 6th, 2010 by sixpegs

Read the rest of this entry »

January 30th, 2010 by sixpegs

I feel really awful now.
I feel so, so helpless.

Everything doesn’t look good.
I really want to make everything good.
I promised myself that I will work hard.
And I thought I have reached a fair and reasonable compromise with my younger brother.
But I am really disappointed in him.
I really am very, very disappointed.
And if I am already so upset, I cannot imagine how hard it will be for my parents -
how much more tears they have cried and pain they have felt whenever my brother disappoints us.

Sometimes when I want to make it work, I am utterly afraid.
Because I am really very tired and jaded.
I don’t want him to waste all the time and effort that he has put in for the last few years.
But I really don’t understand how should I do it.
And I don’t know what else to do.
I don’t understand him, as much as he doesn’t understand us.
We are really not asking for much.
Respect. Determination. Honesty. And the ability to differentiate right and wrong.
I believe if he wants to do it, he will definitely be able to do it.
In fact for someone as street-smart as him, he can achieve a lot more than what he has now.
All, if he would muster the courage and determination to make a change and put his heart into it.

Dad is not well too.
I went to a friend’s father’s wake last week.
And I felt really sorry for his loss.
We read about deaths and accidents on the newspaper everyday, but until it happens to us,
we’ll never be able to understand the grieve I guess.
Sometimes, I’d imagine what life would be like if my parents are not around anymore.
Just the mere imagination of losing them can leave me teary-eyed.
People always take too long to realize the importance of family.
Friends and lovers come and go, but it’s the family who will stick to you through thick and thin.
They are the ones who would do anything to make sure you are not hungry.
And they are the ones who truly hope that you will do well in life,
and have your own happy family in future as well.
“Blood is thicker than water”, they don’t say this for nothing.

I am not a good writer, sometimes I even have problems trying to express what I want to say.
But all I want to say is, it will never be too late to realize the importance of family.
And it is also never too late to realize our mistakes & to return to the right path.
It is okay to fall down and make mistakes.
The true test is whether you can pick yourself up to try harder.

Philson, if you are reading this, please bear what I told you in mind.
I may not be your best friend and I might not be the person who understands you best.
But I am your sister since 16 years ago and I will always be your sister until we leave this world.
We are all trying to encourage you and we all want the best for you.
Our parents are not the most eloquent people around, they don’t know how to tell you how they feel.
But they are always expressing their love in the most subtle ways -
like making sure you won’t go hungry, making sure you have enough rest before school,
waking you up at 7am every morning when they can actually sleep until noon,
giving you their trust and keep wanting to give you another chance,
keeping each and every birthday card or Mothers’ Day card from you deep in their bedside drawers.

Please do not say that you are not fit to be in this family.
If you are not fit, then no one also will be fit enough to take your place.
Because there is only one Philson and nobody can replace you in our hearts.
We have all tried and did our part to try to help you and encourage you.
But all these effort will go down the drain if you don’t want to make things happen.
Because ultimately, this life is yours.
And where this life will take you to in future, is all dependent on what you do now.
All these may sound far-fetched and distant to you now, but you will soon understand in time.
But you are a smart person & I am certain you will know what you should do now.
It really breaks my heart when you lie to me,
because I want to be the person you can talk to if you have problems.
I want to give you my trust, but you need to earn my trust through your actions.

Don’t bear grudges against your teachers in school or our parents when they scold you.
Like you, we are humans too. We get angry too.
And it is very upsetting and frustrating when you always let us down time after time.
And even more depressing when you choose not to give us your respect.
Like what I said, the best way to take revenge is to do well in school,
and show your teachers, and everyone else, that they were all wrong about you.

Everyone has problems.
And they won’t be called problems if they can be resolved easily.
I didn’t do well in school as well.
And I don’t want you to be on the same path as me because
it really is very lonely if you are still in school after your friends have graduated.
People might laugh at you, look down on you or make fun of you,
but don’t get mad.
Just make sure you do better than those people in life next time.
Then, they will laugh at themselves and look down on themselves the next time they see you again.

Let this be your final lap.
Finish it fast, finish it good.
Whenever you feel like giving up, or feel tired, look at this letter again to encourage

November 29th, 2009 by sixpegs

I came across this article few weeks ago and I felt the urge to share.
It is called “Terrorism that’s Personal” by Nicholas D.Kristof and was published in late 2008.

Everyone would probably see terrorism as a political act but who would have imagined
that it is also something affecting many women in Pakistan?

“But sometimes it