May 27th, 2010 by sixpegs
I am overwhelmed with emotions, emotions so strong that I don’t even know how to describe them.
There are so many things that I want to say and I really don’t know how I should begin.
Yes. Whenever I’m feeling like this, it’s always things pertaining to school.
Well, this time is no exception.
If you have read my blog long enough,
you would have probably seen many posts of me complaining about schoolwork.
And in many of these posts, I was crestfallen, dejected, and very very helpless.
This journey has really been too long.
I was enrolled into NTU in August 2004. To date, I have already been an undergraduate for a total of 6 years.
SIX LONG YEARS! If I was a smarty, I would have gotten a Masters degree by now.
This blog is really the place for me to pour my heart out every time I feel demoralized and hopeless.
I was jaded. I was doubtful of my own abilities and determination. And I was very, very tired.
School has never been easy for me.
Being enrolled into a course that I have no interests in was totally hell for me.
I used to think that I can pull through if I try hard enough, thinking that the course will actually grow on me.
But I was really very wrong.
I was a very lousy student in NTU. Academically, that is.
And with this adventurous and curious personality of mine, I ventured out to try many different things.
I guess they made things worse since I am the easily-distracted sort. My grades plummeted.
And I was often put on ‘academic probation’ & ‘academic warning’ statuses in the recent few semesters.
In the blink of an eye, 4 years passed.
As I see my comrades graduate, the best thing I can do is just to envy.
I regretted not trying my best in the past. And I made a pact with myself to study harder.
But this ‘pact’ thing happens at the start of every new semester, and it never lasts.
Halfway through the semester, I’ll find myself skipping lessons, missing my quizzes and even exams (!) etc.
To be honest, things are not easy at all after all my friends have left.
In fact, life in school got really hard for me.
I had no friends.
No study buddies. No lunch buddies.
I cruise around the corridors alone. I sit in lectures alone.
Very often, I would deliberately attend lectures a little late and sneak in through the back door so nobody would see me. And after the lessons were over, I would sneak off before anybody sees me.
There was one time when I chanced upon a forum where people are discussing about people in NTU.
Someone commented that Peggy Chang is that girl who “can’t study for nuts. Retained for so many years.”
I feel exceptionally self-conscious when I am in school.
I’m not exactly a very low profile kind of person in NTU and I know some people can recognize me.
Whenever I see people staring at me,
I would imagine them discussing among themselves about me – a loser who has been in NTU for 6 years!
I’m sorry. But I really cannot help it!
And it crushes me every time I think about it.
I became a different person every time I am in school.
I hate talking to people, and I would hide in inconspicuous corners whenever I have the chance to.
It has definitely affected my life as well.
I try to distant myself away from my friends. Why?
Because every time when we get together, they will talk about their work, how much they are getting, etc.
I subconsciously always feel very inferior when I’m seated there with them.
Of course, I am very happy for my friends.
But I just feel really uncomfortable caught in situations like that.
And these friends, because we weren’t really THAT close to begin with, will always tell me things like
“It’s okay lah! You have the rest of your life to work. No hurry really!”
“Working life sucks. Studying is so much better lor.”
Honestly, really?
Why don’t you try being retained for another two years before telling me this?
I know very well I’m just being plain over-sensitive sometimes.
On the other hand, there are people who really cared for me.
My family never gave up on me – supporting me semesters after semesters.
I always break down into tears whenever my parents sit me down to talk about my studies.
I really want to graduate, be a high-flyer, do fucking well in everything and make them proud.
But face it, I’m not that perfect daughter.
There was also my four lovely girlfriends who were always there for me.
When I received the news in January informing me that I have been expelled from NTU because of my poor grades,
I sat down alone at Starbucks in Northpoint for hours.
I was there because I didn’t want to be seen crying at home. I was really afraid!!
It was like a huge wake-up call, telling me “That’s it, Peggy! No more chances!”
Sindy was the one who comforted me when I needed a hug.
Homie (you know who you are) has always been very supportive too.
He is the one who would drive all the way to under my block to make sure I am okay.
He is the one who brought me out to “drown my sorrow” when I was feeling defeated.
I am thankful for all these friends who has always been there for me. I am so lucky to have you guys.
And of course, there is the one and only beloved boyfriend. :)
The one who would try all means to help me in my studies.
He bribed me, scolded me and challenged me in the hopes of seeing me graduate.
He is brutally honest with me. It really pisses me off at times! But I know he meant well.
I hate it whenever people tell me that I didn’t try hard enough.
It’s because these people can never understand what I am going through and what kind of person I am.
Well, but I guess all that reprimanding is good for me afterall.
Thank you dear Buttons for all your brutal lectures. Hahaha!
It’s not exactly my favourite way of receiving “encouragement”, but I guess reverse psychology works sometimes.
Thank you for not giving up on me, baby.
There were also many of you readers who saw me through my uni days, especially in the most recent 3 years.
You guys left so many encouraging comments for me.
Some even wrote me long, long emails to share their stories.
I read every single comment and email I receive because I really appreciate your effort.
It is such a lucky thing to be able to receive love from complete strangers. Thank you guys.
And after this 6 long years…
I did not pass with flying colours, but I have finally proven myself wrong.
I can really make it if I put my heart to it.
I can achieve anything I want, as long as I try hard enough.
I had 5 Fs and 1 C in the previous semester. Seriously, these grades are really good enough for me.
(You should really see my degree audit. Vomit blood!)
Looking back, I am having mixed feelings about this 6 years in school.
I learnt a lot definitely. I met many people. I encountered so many things and I have grown so much.
To be honest, I really still hate NTU very much!
But at the same time, I embrace it with love because this is also the place where I met so many great people.
Amidst all the unhappiness from schoolwork, I was once really happy here at NTU.
So, thank you too, NTU.
I can finally officially call the upcoming Japan trip my “Graduation Trip”! I am really overjoyed!!
Can’t even frigging describe how super happy I am right now! :D
I know I may have taken a longer route.
But to all those people out there who have once despised me, watch out.
I am just right behind you now and I will not hesitate to give a fucking hard kick on your ass!
Hehehehe! :p
