Are you lightning?

September 27th, 2011 by sixpegs

Can you fall in love with someone you hardly know?
For me, I’m not sure if one could fall in love this way.
But I believe in that immense connection that could happen between two complete strangers.
There would be signs everywhere.
Like how you can feel for the other person so intensely even when you hardly know each other.
And how it feels like you could almost look into her soul through her eyes if you looked harder.

Someone made me feel this way.
And I had never felt anything like this before.
It’s not about liking the same movie, or having the same favourite restaurant anymore.
It was connection on a deeper level – way beyond anything I have ever had.

She made me feel vulnerable and powerless but safe at the same time.
There was assurance amidst the fear.
Like I could stand naked in a crowded room and still feel strong.
I felt like I was young again and there was so much more to know, so many more places to venture out to.

She was just like another “me” – not exactly the same, but like the missing piece of puzzle that fits me so snuggly.
I don’t know her but it felt like I have known her for so long.

But it was frightening because I was at my weakest when I met her.
I was angry with almost everything I had, I was angry with myself and
I was nonchalant about things that were supposed to be important.

It was a gamble, and I know very well that one wrong decision could have cost me everything I have.
She was, afterall, someone I barely knew.
It could all be a facade.

It felt like I was playing with fire.
I knew that the longer I stayed, the harder it would be to escape.
I was tempted and curious.
But above all that, I was even more confused because it didn’t feel like a crime at all.

She was a wrong that felt so right.
And I fell so hard for her.

This is a song she gave me back then.
As I listen to the song and type out every word in the lyrics here,
I relived the moments when I was falling for her again.
I remembered how scared but powerful she made me feel.

Are You Lightning?

And so we meet and there are sparks.
It’s gold, it’s new and free from sharks.
Your house is big, it seems so clean.
Your cleaning lady comes and we’re discreet.

Are you lightning?
Cause I’m waiting.
What’s the timing?
I’m not playing.

And so I act like I’m 21.
Wide eyed and drifting Mon to Sun.
Payback is here, my legs are numbs.
I’m back at square one feeling dumb.

Sweet things – when do they come?
Have I gone deaf?
What’s the song?

Are you lightning?
Cause I’m waiting.
This is frightening.
I’m not playing.

I see you in my sheets.
I see you in my sleep.
I see you through the mirror.
You sing when I’m too steep.
The only thing I’m scared of is the secret that you keep.

I know where you are.
I don’t know where you are.
Don’t make the other wonder, the others might sting.
Tell me what you’re thinking, do not let me twist.
Just look at the size of you.

I see you in my sheets.
I see you in my sleep.
I see you with something that’s funny.
I hear you I almost weep.
I see you from my steps, you’re walking up my street.
Just look at the size of you.

The sunshine on and on.
The sunshine on and on.

xx

And the sunshine did shine on and on from there.

I know this entry should have come much earlier.
But it still isn’t easy writing about it at this point of time.
As much as I feel that there is a need to clarify,
I know I don’t owe anyone any explanation.

She told me that it will not be easy.
It will not be easy coming to terms with myself,
coming to terms with my family and friends, coming to terms with the society.

Sometimes I don’t even know what I am.

All I know is that the affection I had for this person is way beyond what I should have for someone of the same gender.
The thing is, it really doesn’t matter what she is, who she is, or where she went to before she came to me.
I love what I see when I look at her, and how we could have so little yet so much in common.

I love her and love needs no classification.
I hope things will not get too hard for us.

34 Responses to “Are you lightning?”

  1. Eileen Says:

    Hi

    This is definitely a post to be salute!
    Totally can relate what u have posted.
    Others criticize, blame, bitch about those who are unsure of what they do n who they are.
    But once ur sure n think it’s right,nobody can say anything.

    Life goes on. You are still who you are, might even be a better person.
    So,what’s there to say,bitch about.

    Happy for u.
    Enjoy every moments with her.
    Love overrules all!

    Pardon my poor english.

  2. BeavC Says:

    I have been reading your blog for a couple years (2 bfs) and this kind of surprises me but I am really happy for you to have found yourself.

    Live for yourself and not for others.

  3. Liting Says:

    Hi peggy i thought i saw u at kpo on monday.

  4. Bones Says:

    Hi Peggy,

    Started to read your blog recently. Because I am in a rather similar situation as you, though mine happened a yr ago (we r still tgt by the way).
    Your current entry really connected with me. You managed to put most of my emotions into words. I especially love “She was a wrong that felt so right”. I totally feel you.
    I am enjoying my current relationship but it is a secret. I admit it’s really not easy but let’s hope for the best :)
    I am happy for you too, to have found someone who connects with you on the same level. Jiayou!

  5. Kelly Says:

    Bi, Hetero, Homo. Love is Love, and can’t be labeled.

    Just be happy and live the moments wherever life may bring you. <3

  6. AlternativeLifestyle Says:

    lesbianism? What in the world is happening to people these days?!

    You can get your way into this love but when you want out, she won’t let you. Alternative lifestyle like this is definitely much difficult to call it off like a normal relationship.

    Anyway, I am not surprised that a person like you who is easily swayed and with not much mind of your own will choose your life like this.

    Good for Ben! He deserves better!

  7. Y Says:

    this is one of the most beautiful posts i’ve seen anywhere in ages.

  8. sixpegs Says:

    AlternativeLifestyle – Well, all I can say is. Both he and I deserve and have the right to be happier. Don’t act like you know a lot about me. You know me based on what I write, no?

  9. deathwool Says:

    Stumbled upon your blog from another , and your entries make me miss blogging.

    First and foremost, thanks loads for the entries about Taiwan; most helpful for my upcoming trip.

    Secondly, like you mentioned in your reply to AlternativeLifestyle, I know you based only on what you write. I wish you all the courage to fight for what you know you deserve =)

  10. S! Says:

    Happy for you! :>

  11. AlternativeLifestyle Says:

    Well, it’s true your readers know you based on what you write and in all your relationships, you are the clingy, needy one who will take flight once things do not turn out your way and you choose the easy way out.

    Good luck being a lesbo. You have a right to live your life that way and maybe try your way into getting a gay marriage somewhere.

  12. kimbermii Says:

    all the best to you!!!

    jia YOU!!!!!!!

  13. Ching Says:

    Hang in there Peggy! It might be hard but cheesy as it is, love will help you and A conquer it all (:

  14. V Says:

    you’re an amazing girl and this is such a beautiful post. no one should get you or your girl down, there’s no right or wrong love in this world, but only the love that keeps you safe and warm and strong. I SUPPORT (Y)

  15. YT Says:

    Hey babe, I’m actually a friend of A’s and have always been an avid reader of your blog. A is a true blue friend and has a personality that shines. I’m sure you’re in good hands. All the best to the both of you :)

  16. GC Says:

    I hate to say this because i never believe it every time anyone says it, but, i feel you. I am a fking timid tree (self)stuck to the ground. You’re awesome.

    “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

    Keep guard but Blossom away, peggy!

  17. Stripped pink Says:

    whats wrong with people these days? angry much?

    Peggy, just live as you like as long as you are happy
    !! Cheers :)

  18. sixpegs Says:

    Thanks for the comments. Appreciate it. :)

    And Yating, A says Hello! :p

  19. Singaporean Uncle Says:

    First of all, in order for my comment to be read in the right context, I want to say that I have more or less followed your blog since a few years ago due to your high-profile participation in a couple of events as a model in the past. You came across to me, through your blog photos, as a fun-loving girl with a sunny disposition.

    My very first reaction when I read this post was to shake my head sadly.

    I then realised that you are still not matured yet. One day when you become older, you will realise that this is wrong and you have taken the wrong path in life.

    Of course, your life is yours to live and I can only give your advice, whether or not you listen to me is up to you. But let me tell you something – as a middle-aged Singaporean ‘uncle’ who has seen more than my fair share of life, I will tell you that I can spot a person who is about to make a decision that will ruin his/her life forever. Because I have seen many youngsters do so, and the pattern is always the same.

    You know something? Honestly, I was sadly shocked when I saw the photo showing the stud in your tongue. Perhaps that is the signal to me that things will start to spiral downwards for you from now onwards? I hope not.

    Bringing up a child is not easy. Every parent wants to see his or her daughter/son grow up to be a person who walks the straight path in life. Call me old-fashioned or what you like, but I have to tell the truth.

    I can understand if you cannot accept my logic or reasoning, because you are still young and not matured in your thinking yet. All I want to tell you is that I have seen alot in life, and I have seen the end game of such people who have taken the same path as you are about to.

    I know I may sound cruel and come across as a ‘I-know-all’ to you, since you can’t see it all coming as you are enjoying your carefree life now and everything looks rosy and bright. But you have to look at the long term. Your future. Your old age. Your parents.

    Based on my having seen so much in life, I have only ten words for you if you decide to take the plunge: “You will be in a sorry state in old age”

  20. Middle Aged Auntie Says:

    I would say I have been a reader but I have never felt compelled to leave any messages because simply said, your blog is just a window of your life, it shouldnt and wouldnt bother me so much that I need to add in my worth here.

    Singaporean Uncle- I am not hoping to start an exchange here or give another tirade like what you did. I believe that everyone is entitled to their choices in life. Yes it may not be right, may not be socially acceptable, may not even be moralistic but its a choice. It is the act and power of choosing.

    Sure, at some points in life, will there be regret, upset and doldrums? Ya, sure. Will there be acceptance, love and great relish? Thats the other half of the spectrum and the 50% chance that it happens. Why and how can you tell someone whom you dont even know that she is only entitled to failure and despondency?

    You may know it all, definitely. I do too, you know. I have children too. Will I be devastated if my child tells me that she chooses a path that I may not necessarily understand? Possibly so, NOT because she will be headed for heartbreak but because the road ahead wouldnt be any easier. Will I make my stand clear? Yes but I will also hold her hands and tell her that even if she comes back with her heart broken, she gave this love a shot. I dont need her to walk the straight path. I want her to walk upright, with respect, love and integrity.

    We have no right to judge. We have no right to impose our opinions on other people and expect them to swallow it. We definitely have no right to say someone is headed downhill. We have no right because it is not out life. Why should I be upset if she has a stud or tattoo anywhere else? Its her body, her choice, her art.

    Based on my having seen so much in life too, I have ten words for you if you decide to retaliate and engage in this debate: Let us act our age. We Live and let live.

  21. L Says:

    I have always read your blog but this is the first time I’m commenting. I was in a same position, dated a girl for 2 years, & we went through the most dramatic of things just to be together. It’s not your everyday story, it was a relationship we treasured a lot simply because it did not come easy. She was the absolute best & sweetest thing Ive ever come across, it was honestly a wrong that felt completely right. We met daily, travelled together, it was just perfect. I am only 26 now but I knew back then already that she was The One. I never understood why anyone would classify what’s right/wrong to love, I still dont, but it was excuses like social norms, religion, that we had to part. I never understood why God would say this is wrong when for 2 years it was nothing but right. I say fuck that & live to love & love to live. Wish you both all the best & I really hope it works out for you. Never mind the self-righteous moral preachers & never mind the mistakes you may’ve made. Believe in your hearts & see where it takes you. For me, if I had a chance, I’d do it all over again & do it right this time but I don’t. It was heart-breaking but it’s a long lonely road, so, brace yourselves & fight what comes your way. Your post gave me strength & I hope I did the same for you. All the best.

  22. AR Says:

    hmm i have also been a reader of your blog for a couple of years. i know how it feels to be falling in love, not caring about a thing in the world, enjoying and hoping that the love gets accepted. i didnt choose to be a lesbian but i fell in love with another girl once. it made me.. more aware that i am not meant to go towards the L path.

    i agree with singaporean uncle and AlternativeLifestyle in certain things – “You can get your way into this love but when you want out, she won’t let you.” lesbianism involves a deep deep feeling – involves 2 vulnerable girls. you may say your partner is strong, but no. girls are just vulnerable in terms of emotions and relationships. it will be hard (harder than your normal BGRs) to split should one day you feel that you wanna go back to the straight route or for any other reasons.

    look at your closest girlfriends, they are all getting married one by one. and you are still stagnant in a relationship that cannot go beyond what it is now. you may say you can choose not to get married or whatnot.. but you will also realise sometimes you will be tempted to eat your own words.

    i sincerely wish you all the best. i hope while you are having and enjoying the company and love right now, one day a light will hit the both of you.

  23. Mel Says:

    I do not agree with same gender relationship but that’s because i have not tried. I do not have the guts to question myself or doubt myself.

    Just shut down all the comments and don’t let it affect you in anyway. These are people just commenting based on what they THINK they know. But they don’t.

    Writing about a different type of relationship opens windows for others to comment. They have something ‘interesting’ to read about or gossip about. They have a new read. And yet are still writing nasty comments.

    Lead your life which you think makes you happy. We all have the right to our own happiness and no amount of comments should stop you from writing or doing that :)

    Ignore the comments! :)

  24. Realitybitten Says:

    While reading through the comments, I am absolutely disappointed at how narrowminded some of these straight folks are. Singaporean Uncle and Alternative Lifestyle, kindly step out of your doghole and open your eyes. Lesbianism, amongst many, is not a phase.

    The New York gay registry just witnessed marriages of couple aged 60 and above.

    Why do so many people fight for gay rights to get married? Some of the love lesbians or gays have for their partners put you straight people to shame. We are all but normal people with the right to love and the need to have a partner.

    I know many lesbians here who want to be who they are but their lives are just miserable because society still spouts people like the both of you. Its no longer gay rights, its humanitarian.

    we are not any less smart or stupid, honest or dishonest, white or black, civil servant or otherwise.

    gaydom is not a ‘wrong’ and is not a trend. its a choice to see love beyond gender. It is only wrong because people like you make it to be. You suffocated us with societal norms and prejudice. Otherwise we are really just like any of you.

    Singapore will never be liberated with individuals like you.

  25. P is for Potato Says:

    You are a brave gal! By posting this entry, you know it will attract both good and bad remarks but you still went ahead to post it.
    You will find happiness as long as you follow your heart

  26. karmasutra Says:

    please let me know if you need some tips for lesbian karmasutra. :)

  27. sixpegs Says:

    Thanks for the comments.

    karmasutra – Hahahaha. Why not? Share with me and the other readers la. You sound like you do nothing but stay at home and read about sex all day.

  28. iiivyyy Says:

    Hi peggy, I really admire your courage to 感爱感恨!

    I have been following your blog and have been waiting for this post for the longest time though I agree with what you say, you don’t owe anyone any explanation. :)

    wish you all the best.

  29. beverly Says:

    GO AWAY!!! AlternativeLifestyle!

  30. sabbie Says:

    hi peggy, i read your blog sometimes but never commented. but this post and the comments i’ve read made me want to tell you something.

    you deserve the right to love and be loved.

    i used to be in a lesbian r/s for 3 years and she taught me a lot about love and what it is to be in a relationship. i may be married now but i think love should be regardless of gender, sex or religion.

    as long as both of you stand by each other and know that the road ahead is not easy, all will work out.

    my sister is a lesbian and my family loves her just the same. we do not see her any less of a person. her gf is an amazing person that we have embraced her as part of the family.

    i wish you and A all the best! :)

    here’s to share an article with you: http://www.thedailybeast.com/newsweek/2011/07/17/andrew-sullivan-why-gay-marriage-is-good-for-america.html and this is my favourite part:

    “You can have as many debates about gay marriage as you want, and over the last 22 years of campaigning for it, I’ve had my share. You can debate theology, and the divide between church and state, the issue of procreation, the red herring of polygamy, and on and on. But what it all really comes down to is the primary institution of love. The small percentage of people who are gay or lesbian were born, as all humans are, with the capacity to love and the need to be loved. These things, above everything, are what make life worth living. And unlike every other minority, almost all of us grew up among and part of the majority, in families where the highest form of that love was between our parents in marriage. To feel you will never know that, never feel that, is to experience a deep psychic wound that takes years to recover from. It is to become psychologically homeless. Which is why, I think, the concept of “coming out” is not quite right. It should really be called “coming home.””

  31. ellie Says:

    Hi Peggy,

    I came across your blog as a friend recommended me to it as she felt how this particular entry fits me exactly like it was me and my story.

    I came and I was shocked too!

    I am feeling you as I read this entry. Sometimes, things just happened in life and before we knew it, we are in it. We are humans with very intricate sets of emotions. It is easy to say about the logical things in life. All of us knew what is the supposedly ‘right’ things to do. But, both sadly and gladly, life is never that simple. When it comes to things that deal with emotions,it is never that easy or simple anymore. It’s always a clash of the heart and mind. Just trust what you feel strongly about and you will not regret. You may fail or fall one day but at least you know in your heart that you did what you wanted. Every relationship is a lesson and experience. It will be the best scenario if things turn “happily ever after”. But if it doesn’t, yes we get heartbreaks, we’ll pick ourselves up again (eventually – we are usually stronger than what we think we are). We will have learnt how to be a better person and lover for the next one to come.

    I guess, whatever it is, just take each day as it is. Walk this journey of life and enjoy every step of it. Embrace whatever that comes your way, be it the right or the wrong, the good or the bad.

    All the best! :)

  32. Shirley Says:

    Hi Peggy,

    Though one of my best friends often rave about you, I’ve only started reading your blog recently after noticing ChamHui’s (she’s a sister of my close friend) tweet about you “joining the (rainbow) club”. I was amazed at how you came out to the whole world and really enjoyed your sharing about your new discovery and relationship.

    It sounds like what happened to me a year ago too… Couple of long-term relationships with the opposite gender and suddenly, boom, SHE happened! It’s been my wildest journey so far, one I’d never expected. I know what you mean about feeling vulnerable and powerful at the same time. Though people closest to me, my family, disagrees, I’ve never felt more ME. We’re coming to our 1 year anniversary, by the way (:

    One thing I’m really curious about is your family. Do they know, and how did they react? If it is private, I understand (:

    I’m so glad there’s a local blog like yours here that embraces LGBT. Some people will never understand because it’s like a new eye, a new perspective that they might never gain. & it is okay because we do not need others’ affirmations. Those that love you will continue to love you.

    I wish you strength when things get tough and love, everyday. Enjoy your journey!

    Hugs,
    Shirley

  33. sixpegs Says:

    iiivyyy – thanks a lot girl.

    beverly – Hahaha thanks too.

    sabbie – thanks a lot for sharing the article. “Coming home”, that is really a very nice thought. :) Your sister is lucky to have the support of you and your family. I wish your family and her all the best too. Thanks a lot for your comment and support Sabbie.

    ellie – thanks a lot for your encouragement and advice. i guess nothing is ever easy, be it in straight or gay relationships. We all learn a little from every relationship and I hope whatever I have learnt in my previous relationships will help make me a better person in every way. :) All the best to you too!

    Shirley – Cham Hui is one funny character. Hahaha. It’s a pleasant surprise to receive your comment. And it’s always very comforting and assuring to know that there are actually more people just like me out there – it somehow makes me feel less alone and more “normal”. I’m glad you and many others could relate to how I felt, and though there are many who would criticize me and tell me I deserve nothing good, I still feel that I’m doing something that would make me happy. Or at least give myself a shot at being happy and true to myself.
    Congrats to you and your gf’s 1st anniversary! Wish you both many many happy years to come. Cham’s too! xx

  34. Miss L Says:

    Been reading your blog for at least 2yrs!

    It makes my day to see people having such courage to face life’s different challenges. U two gals are so brave.

    Like you, i am with this gal for 8 years now. Its a real roller coaster.

    Saying “its not easy” is just an understatement. Having the whole society against you, your family and relatives pressure you constantly… these really gets to me sometimes. I still have to cook up stories and tell lies for something i feel so right, yet wrong? I have to learn to live with dilemma.

    Coming out means… People judge you based on your sexuality above everything. It’s stupid, but it hurts.

    Like all relationships, it has a phase, the initial love and passion, reality and practicality seeps in. That is the real test. The big question is.. do u see a future with that person? Its too early to tell, but i wish u well.

    Every couple will have their own set of problems and complaints towards their better half. Two person decided to be together because they think they found the right one.

    But sadly rs are hard to maintain. People forgot that all rs needs effort. After marriage all things sweet needs to be reminded. Some gave up trying to get affection. Not offence but really, girls are more sensitive and affectionate. That is why mother’s day is more popular.

    So that exlpains amist all frustrations i am still with her. We knew we are meant for each other, but the society don’t think so, thus i won’t have the certificate to prove that we are life partners.

    We just got our own apartment. :)
    But… i stuck having to tell my parents and siblings that i am ditching free lodging to share a bed with another ‘friend’? The society is not ready to accept us. And really, thanks for coming out and make a difference.

    I am cowardly, and i can’t bring myself to let people judge me based on their own opinion. And i’m not ready to let my family come under scrutinity for having a lesbian daughter. Maybe being younger does help?

    Thanks for reading. I have never told anyone these. My friends have somewhat accepted us as a couple, but nonetheless they will never understand my innermost feelings.

    I wish you all the best. I can tell u are so head over heels, so madly in love. Enjoy!~

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