Are you lightning?
September 27th, 2011 by sixpegs
Can you fall in love with someone you hardly know?
For me, I’m not sure if one could fall in love this way.
But I believe in that immense connection that could happen between two complete strangers.
There would be signs everywhere.
Like how you can feel for the other person so intensely even when you hardly know each other.
And how it feels like you could almost look into her soul through her eyes if you looked harder.
Someone made me feel this way.
And I had never felt anything like this before.
It’s not about liking the same movie, or having the same favourite restaurant anymore.
It was connection on a deeper level – way beyond anything I have ever had.
She made me feel vulnerable and powerless but safe at the same time.
There was assurance amidst the fear.
Like I could stand naked in a crowded room and still feel strong.
I felt like I was young again and there was so much more to know, so many more places to venture out to.
She was just like another “me” – not exactly the same, but like the missing piece of puzzle that fits me so snuggly.
I don’t know her but it felt like I have known her for so long.
But it was frightening because I was at my weakest when I met her.
I was angry with almost everything I had, I was angry with myself and
I was nonchalant about things that were supposed to be important.
It was a gamble, and I know very well that one wrong decision could have cost me everything I have.
She was, afterall, someone I barely knew.
It could all be a facade.
It felt like I was playing with fire.
I knew that the longer I stayed, the harder it would be to escape.
I was tempted and curious.
But above all that, I was even more confused because it didn’t feel like a crime at all.
She was a wrong that felt so right.
And I fell so hard for her.
This is a song she gave me back then.
As I listen to the song and type out every word in the lyrics here,
I relived the moments when I was falling for her again.
I remembered how scared but powerful she made me feel.
Are You Lightning?
And so we meet and there are sparks.
It’s gold, it’s new and free from sharks.
Your house is big, it seems so clean.
Your cleaning lady comes and we’re discreet.
Are you lightning?
Cause I’m waiting.
What’s the timing?
I’m not playing.
And so I act like I’m 21.
Wide eyed and drifting Mon to Sun.
Payback is here, my legs are numbs.
I’m back at square one feeling dumb.
Sweet things – when do they come?
Have I gone deaf?
What’s the song?
Are you lightning?
Cause I’m waiting.
This is frightening.
I’m not playing.
I see you in my sheets.
I see you in my sleep.
I see you through the mirror.
You sing when I’m too steep.
The only thing I’m scared of is the secret that you keep.
I know where you are.
I don’t know where you are.
Don’t make the other wonder, the others might sting.
Tell me what you’re thinking, do not let me twist.
Just look at the size of you.
I see you in my sheets.
I see you in my sleep.
I see you with something that’s funny.
I hear you I almost weep.
I see you from my steps, you’re walking up my street.
Just look at the size of you.
The sunshine on and on.
The sunshine on and on.
xx
And the sunshine did shine on and on from there.
I know this entry should have come much earlier.
But it still isn’t easy writing about it at this point of time.
As much as I feel that there is a need to clarify,
I know I don’t owe anyone any explanation.
She told me that it will not be easy.
It will not be easy coming to terms with myself,
coming to terms with my family and friends, coming to terms with the society.
Sometimes I don’t even know what I am.
All I know is that the affection I had for this person is way beyond what I should have for someone of the same gender.
The thing is, it really doesn’t matter what she is, who she is, or where she went to before she came to me.
I love what I see when I look at her, and how we could have so little yet so much in common.
I love her and love needs no classification.
I hope things will not get too hard for us.
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- Posted in A, Reflections
