May 20th, 2011 by sixpegs
As I had lunch with a female friend recently and we spoke of many things.
Things that we usually talked about, things we usually don’t talk about.
People we would usually mention, and people we thought would never exist in our conversations.
It was interesting. And somewhat intriguing.
It’s amazing how people can change – the way they view things, the way how one small change can lead to a major overhaul of how one would lead one’s life.
I realized people have different wants. They have different goals in life.
Some wants to be rich. Some would squander all their money off in exchange for beauty.
For me, I just want to be happy. No matter how temporary.
I know it’s rather stupid, because people of my age are supposed to “look at the big picture”,
and be mature enough to do some proper planning for the so-called future.
I can’t see the future, can’t even smell it.
How am I supposed to plan for something I cannot fathom?
Sorry I digressed.
And so we she asked if I wanted to have children in “future”.
It’s funny.
Because it reminded me of how I once told my Mom that I’d never wear lipstick because it’s gross to put stuff on your lips.
I didn’t tell my friend what was going through my mind of course, that’s just plain silly.
The thing is, we can never know for sure what we want.
No matter how close the “future” may appear to be.
Sorry I digressed again.
So I told her about how I fear that I might turn out to be a horrible Mom.
I cannot handle the pressure of not knowing how my children will turn out to be.
Will they be happy? Will they be healthy? Will I always be able to provide for them?
Having too many unknowns makes me scared.
They always say that the unknown is beautiful because it leaves room for imagination.
That’s quite bull, well at least I think it only applies to certain stuff I guess.
She suggested that I should blog about what how I view things now,
and then when I read this entry again ten years later, it would turn out to be rather amusing.
As amusing as a young Peggy insisting that wearing lipstick is the grossest thing on Earth.
So. Let’s see.
Children seem like the cutest thing that can ever exist.
Probably the cutest form in which a human being can be found in.
Innocent. Simple.
A smile means a smile.
When it hurts, you cry.
Honest. Loyal.
Probably these words are a little too “serious” when used to describe a baby, but at least that’s what I think.
The thing is, babies are only nice when they are not your own.
Ok, there are probably a lot of people protesting right now.
Please do not get me wrong.
Mothers are amazing people.
But I think I can never handle being someone’s mother.
I mean, I can’t even teach myself well.
I can’t even tell myself what’s right and what’s wrong.
Don’t even know the times when I need to differentiate what’s right and what’s wrong.
Like I mentioned, I cannot handle the stress of not knowing how the little one will turn out to be.
I see fucked up kids around me and I fear.
Marriage, well, pretty much belongs to the same category as having children.
Except that the pressure of the “unknown” is not as immense.
I love seeing people get married.
I love you. You love me. Let’s get married.
How lovely.
But at this point of time, it seems so so far away.
I don’t even understand how people can cast all fears away and decide that
this one person is the one he or she wants to spend the rest of the life with.
What if it’s not the right decision?
The thing is, is there even a right decision?
What if you picked the wrong person?
Is there even a right person to begin with?
And before you get to marriage, there is, of course, love.
The one word (or thing) that everyone has heard of, but few know.
I don’t know whether I know love.
Well, I wish I knew.
Or at least I wish I was once fully, totally, really, wholeheartedly in love for a long time.
I am sure that would be a great feeling – to have someone whom you’d want to run to after a long day out in the storm.
I am always amazed by how people can still be in love after a long time.
Is that still love? Or is that just responsibility? Or just another comfort zone?
The wise people from the ancient times always say love is forever.
I think forever is bull.
Well maybe forever is not bull, but love being forever is bull.
Change is the only constant. This is the truth.
People change. The things they love change.
That’s what I think.
Stability and boredom.
Excitement and insanity.
Denial and faith.
Insecurities and paranoia.
They are all just separated by a fine line.
When I think of love, one of the many things that came into my head is family.
Family is love.
Though there are cold wars sometimes.
And times when you wish any one of your family members didn’t exist, there is still love.
At the back of your head, you will always be unconsciously looking out for each other.
I hope when I read this ten years later, I’d still feel the same way.
This I don’t wish to change.
Sex. I am a hot blooded 26 year old grown woman.
I love sex. Not in the nympho-I-need-to-bonk-something-or-someone-everyday kind of love, of course.
I think it’s a sheer magical connection between two persons.
The moment after you kissed someone, open your eyes and look right into that other person’s eyes.
Ok, that isn’t exactly sex but it’s better than sex.
No doubt.
Well, maybe that’s love? No idea really.
It’s not the most important thing in the world, but it’s one of the most important things a couple should have.
It’s almost like a keyboard without a space bar.
Or, a pedal bin without a pedal.
Everything can still function properly, but you’ll always know that something important is missing.
Maybe my analogies are a little crappy.
I think I’m verbal vomiting too much.
Let’s just have this last one and we’ll call it a night.
I can’t really think straight anymore.
Forgiveness.
Forgive the ones around you.
Forgive the wrongs they did.
Forgive every mistake. Forgive all the wrongs people have done to you.
Forgive people who didn’t try hard enough. They probably have their reasons.
You probably had a part to play in whichever mistake others made.
And the most important thing of all – forgive yourself.
