April 6th, 2010 by sixpegs

I was feeling a little down these days again.
Probably because it’s going to be examination period again soon, and I’m obviously feeling the heat.
I’m really happy that Button has always been taking a lot of time to accompany me,
that really made things a lot better.

I went for a job interview couple weeks ago at this company which I shall not name here.
To be honest, I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to do after I graduate but just thought I’ll give it a try.
Fortunately (or unfortunately) I got the job, and I am supposed to head down to their office tomorrow.
But I’m feeling apprehensive now about taking up the job because I have heard so many horror stories -
stories about the company from the “clients” and ex-staff from there.

I guess I’ll just give it a miss. What a waste of my time.
But I am really glad that I made sure that I speak to different people before I step right into it.

This brought me back to feeling all lost and aimless again.
I looked at my recent pictures and I realized something – I am not a young girl anymore.
I am a woman already.
I know people of my age (or even younger) who are already mothers.
And I suddenly feel ashamed of myself because I think I still think like a child sometimes.
And the worst part is, I am still in school.

I know you guys are probably half bored, half annoyed whenever I mention school.
If I were you, I’d probably go “There she goes again…”
Well, you’re right. I’ve really been at this for too long.
I try not to talk about school. But honestly, I cannot stop thinking about my failure in my studies.
I fought very hard to remain in school and I guess I really need to make this coming semester my final one.
If I really cannot make it again this time round, then perhaps I really am not cut out for it.
This semester started out very well. I attended school religiously and did my work.
But towards the middle of the semester, I went back to my old ways and got really distracted a little.
Now that the examinations are drawing near,
I think I really need to work doubly hard to make up for my distractions.

School. School. School.
I think this whole NTU thing has totally wrecked me.
Even Buttons said so.
He once mentioned that I am like a totally different person every time we talk about school.
I get over-sensitive and irritable whenever someone talks to me about my studies.
A part of me is really very defensive, acting as if nobody knows and understands my plight.
More like self-pity actually.
And another part of me, feels hopelessly inferior and useless.
Because I know very well that I really am not a stupid person.
I just don’t understand why I didn’t make it in school.
And year after year, instead of getting easier (because you supposedly know the syllabus better),
it gets so much harder because you just need to conquer yourself and self-esteem.

It is really not easy to pick yourself up after you’ve fallen so many times.

I was browsing through my blog just now and read the archives again.
And I chanced upon this entry dated 2nd April 2008.
That was supposed to be the period of time when I’m taking my final papers from NTU.
But it’s now 6th April 2010, and I am still at where I started out.

My heart hurt a little. I felt a little lost once again.
And I felt totally helpless once again.
But this time, the feelings aren’t so strong anymore. I’m probably a little numb already.

I am no longer the same person as I was two years ago.
In fact, everything has changed.

I am fearful that I might, one day, forget who I was.
I still want to be the person who would choose a trip to France over a Birkins bag.
I still want to be the person who will never trade freedom and joy for money.
Not easy to be such a person, I’d say.

Note to self: Make it the last one, Peggy. Gotta move on in life.

P.S. Am not approving comments for this post. I just need to let it out.
Please don’t be mean to me and leave any comments that will probably leave me feeling even more depressed.
If you make me commit suicide, I will come back and haunt you.

Thank you.