July 10th, 2009 by sixpegs
Another sleepless night.
After 5 fucking years in NTU, i’m now officially left with 6 modules.
Just as i thought this final semester might be the last one for me,
I was told that 2 of my 6 modules will not be offered this semester.
How am I supposed to sleep like that.
I never liked talking about school – no matter who I’m talking to.
Parents. Friends. Buddies. Boyfriend. Not even myself.
I would label my life in school as miserable.
A horribly miserable joke I made out of myself.
I got absolutely no idea how the last 5 years just flew by like that,
and leaving me still oblivious to how much precious time I’ve wasted.
This is the worst joke I’ve made of myself.
The only time I wake up is when I receive my result slip.
But by then, it’s already way too late.
I used to panick when the exams are coming.
And I used to be bothered to attend classes,
or at least get solutions from my classmates if I’ve missed any.
Now I can’t remember when is the last time I’ve done any of that.
Exams. Tutorials. Quizzes – they all seem so distant.
I am not a single bit motivated.
But deep down inside me, I am really really afraid.
I am really afraid.
I see people graduating & friends making money.
Honestly, I feel horrible.
But I know they worked hard for what they have,
& I haven’t worked for anything at all for the last few years.
A lot of people said I deserve this.
Because I haven’t studied or worked hard for anything at all.
Honestly, I can no longer find anymore reasons to back myself up.
I’m too ashamed to even say them.
I’m just not interested in studying anymore, but I’m afraid to admit.
And am not brave enough to face the music.
In short, I’m a total failure.
I scare myself badly at times.
I imagine myself just jumping off some roof.
That provides an instant & immediate solution, isn’t it?
I’m doing so badly anyway.
So aimless in life.
Feels like I’ll never be able to make it big anywhere anyway.
At the end of that thought, I’d normally just break down and cry.
Because I realized even killing oneself would need a lot of courage.
I scolded myself, because I’m not that stupid.
I know if I were to die one day,
the hearts of many people would die with me as well.
What about my parents?
How can I ever dare to bring death up so easily?
Studying is not hard, isn’t it?
I used to be able to do it easily when I was younger.
It has nothing to do with the partying.
& I don’t spend half my day dreaming about becoming superstar.
Even when I have nothing on that day,
I’d rather just lie in bed at home and do nothing
than to go for classes in school.
That’s how much I loathe it.
I got no idea what has happened to me.
Studying really isn’t that hard, is it?
How many hard knocks does it take to wake this stubborn girl up?
Peggy, wake up please.
