Days with My Father
January 20th, 2009 by sixpegs
I love the pictures, and the story behind them too of course.
My mum died suddenly on September 4th, 2006.
After she died, I realised how much she’d been shielding me from my father’s mental state.
He doesn’t have alzheimers, but he has no short-term memory, and is often lost.I took him to my mother’s funeral, and to the burial,
but when we got home, he’d ask me every 15-20 minutes where my mother was.
I’d explain carefully that she had died, and we’ve been to her funeral.This was shocking news to him.
Why had no one told him?
Why hadn’t I taken him to the funeral?
Why hadn’t he visited her in the hospital?He had no memory of these events.
After a while, I realised I couldn’t keep telling him that his wife had died.
He didn’t remember and it was killing both of us,
to re-live her death constantly.I decided to tell him she’s gone to Paris, to take care of her brother, who was sick.
And that’s where she is now.
This exhibition is part of a journal.
An ongoing record of my father, and of our relationship.
For whatever days we have left together.
I asked my father to look in the mirror, while I took his photograph.
Now, the things you have to realise about my dad is that
he was a very handsome man when he was young.
When people talk about ‘film star handsome’, well, that was my dad.
In fact, he WAS a film star (of sorts), in Hollywood, during the 1930′s.So when he looks in the mirror, he sees a man ravaged,
a man no longer beautiful,
and that upsets him deeply.You see, he’s still vain at 98.
In fact, his vanity can be quite extraordinary.I tried to take him to the doctor a few months ago, but on the way out,
he caught a glimpse of himself in the hall mirror.He was so horrified wit his appearance, that he refuse to leave the house until
I found a ‘black pencil’ to dye his white hair with..
I find these scraps of writing all over the house…
they are a glimpse into his mind,
the disquiet he tries to hide from me.Where is everyone.
What’s going on.
How lost he feels.
My dad spends enormous amounts of time in the toilet.
Because he has no short term memory, he can be in there for 2-3 hours at a time.
It’s both heartbreaking, and infuriating.
He’ll do his business, then stand up, and as he’s putting on his pants,
say, “Wait a second – I have to go”If you try and reason wit him, and explain that he’s just gone,
he’ll look at you as if you’re an idiot…
Eating is often a miserable experience.
I realise now why my mother cooked the same meals over and over,
towards the end of her life.They were the only things my father would eat.
The ONLY thing he’ll eat with any regularity is eggs.
Scrambled eggs, egg salad, egg-drop soup from the local chinese.
He eats insane amounts of eggs.And yet, when I took him to the doctor recently, his cholesterol was down!
Maybe there are health benefits to an all-eggs diet!
Because my parents had me so late,
my dad was essentially retired when I was growing up.But for my ambitious, driven father, he wasn’t retired at all,
just working on his next career.Being an artist.
I have so many memories of him listening to opera, sketching, painting, sculpting.
Although he doesn’t paint anymore, he still sees.
He still has the artistic impulse.He was admiring the sunset, saying that he could make a ‘whole series’ of paintings
around those wonderful colours…The urge is still there, even if the physical ability is not..
This sums up everything about my father.
It’s who he is, and it’s what’s left.
Ambition.As a child, I grew up on stories of my father’s daring in the business world.
For him, everything was always possible.
A few months ago, we were reading the paper together.
He was engrossed in the novelist Sidney Sheldon’s obituary,
and it mentioned that he’d record books into a tape recorder,
producing work at a prolific rate.
My dad turned to me, and said, “We could do that!”
He always pushed me to do better, to work harder.
It actually made me a little crazy.
And now, it’s the one question he always asks me.
What am I doing in my career? How am I furthering myself?
Nothing cheers up my dad, like stories of my success.
So if he’s down, or obsessing about something,
I’ll immediately conjure up a blossoming career.I’m shooting for The New York Times. The New Yorker.
Multi-million dollar advertising campaigns.Sometimes it’s true, sometimes not.
But it doesn’t matter.
The important thing is to fill him with as much joy as I can.
His face bursts with happiness.
He’ll say “I have to tell ALL my friends, my son is famous!”
I found one of my dad’s films.
It’s a Charlie Chan detective story, shot in the 30′s.
We watched it together this afternoon.
(That’s him on the right)I don’t think he’d seen it since it was made.
He told me that he was too young to grow the required pencil mustache,
so he had to have it ‘glued on’.It’s amazing to see my dad, not as my father,
but as a young man.Vigorous, lucid, filled with life.
Me, my mother, our lives together,
all shrouded in the vast unknown before him…
Sometimes, when we’re talking,
my dad will stop, and sigh,
and close his eyes.It’s then that I know, that he knows.
About my mum.
About everything.
Okay, that was quite a good workout for my fat fingers.
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January 20th, 2009 at 3:04 am
wow. it is super touching :)
January 20th, 2009 at 8:18 am
thank you so much for sharing!
January 20th, 2009 at 10:12 am
did you write all these yourself?
January 20th, 2009 at 10:44 am
i’m glad you guys liked it.
omgomgomg, no way i didn’t write those! i merely typed it out! those were done by the photographer, but they were all on the walls and you guys won’t be able to read if i just posted the pictures.
January 20th, 2009 at 10:48 am
omg that was absolutely beautiful. :) it brought a tear to my eye, seriously! and charlie chan films are REALLY old man; i watched them when i was in uni for my film history classes. and babe, check out ‘memento’ – it’s a FUCKING AWESOME film about anterograde amnesia, which is what i think the father has.
January 20th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
wow… this is so touching.. reminded me of my grandma.. *sob*
where’s this exhibition held?
January 20th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
melody, WOW. i don’t know where i’m going to find that memento film if it is from charlie chan and it is supposed to be “REALLY” old. memento – does that mean remember?
ANYWAY, you going party tomorrow night? haha. long time since i zouked.
phoebex, i’m glad you liked it too girl. it is between the linkway from citilink mall to esplanade. but ends on 18th, unfortunately.
January 20th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
Memento ain’t a film by Charlie Chan (if it is the same film Melody was talking about)
It is a film directed by Christopher Nolan, with Guy Pearce as the lead.
It tells about this guy who suffers from short term memory whom uses short notes and tattoos, and how he pick up from each point ingeniously to fight against time lapses in-between each episode of his memory loss to hunt for his wife’s killer.
Like what Melody said, it is an awesome film. Not much of dialogues but for us to interpret it visually through living Guy Pearce’s character’s life and moment there and then.
:-)
January 20th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
babe, thanks for sharing.
very nice.
and definitely a very good workout for ur fingers.
January 20th, 2009 at 10:59 pm
one truly heart-warming piece that touches my heart. just goes to show how impt time spent with our family really is and how is it that we often take the ones we love most for granted. thank you for sharing this with us, peggy :)
January 20th, 2009 at 11:37 pm
wonderful exhibit..
touched*
January 21st, 2009 at 12:13 am
i like this! very nice and meaningful exhibition. ah too bad i missed it! but reading it from your blog ain’t a bad thing :D
January 21st, 2009 at 12:32 am
thks for sharing! :)
January 21st, 2009 at 10:10 am
It’s really nice and touching, thks for sharing!
January 21st, 2009 at 3:47 pm
thanks steve for explaining! :) haha yah omg it’s one of the best films i have ever watched, hands down!
it gets a little confusing, with the black and white sequences interspersed with the coloured ones and the forward/reverse chronology, but watch it a few times and you’ll understand! try to rent from your fave video rental store at yishun. yes, memento means ‘remember’ :) AND GUY PEARCE IS DAMN HOT.
pegs: no don’t think i’m gonna party tonight, i’m damn no life on weekdays one haha. working woman mah ;) i zouked last fri AND sat, so tired. i damn long nv see u leh! catch up soon k?
January 21st, 2009 at 5:47 pm
lovely piece there, appreciate your effort for putting it here so that those of us who have missed the exhibtion can still experience the love between father and son photographer! :)
January 21st, 2009 at 10:35 pm
hahahaha thanks all.
and ya’ll are welcome. :)
steve and melody, i’ll try to get the film yea! hehe.
melody, don’t say you no life lor. i think i’m worse than you. that time when i saw you in zouk, that was the last time i went there. quite long already right! hahaha. i need beer man.
January 22nd, 2009 at 12:00 am
Read this from the newspaper…indeed a very touching story. The expression of the father makes me smile, especially the one he was filled with joy =) My fav would be the one he hug his father. So touching~~~really can feel love from it
January 22nd, 2009 at 2:10 pm
In case you’re thinking of slouching away on the couch going on a movie marathon rampage, you might also wish to consider these films: 13 Tzameti (French), Le Grand Voyage (French) & Run Lola Run (German).
Le Grand Voyage is about a French-Morrocan teenager being asked to go on a pilgrimage to Mecca with his devout father. It builds around the relationship between this father & son, how their icy relationship starts to thaw bit by bit along the trip by car. The trip will bring them through countries from France to Italy, Slovenia, Croatia, Serbia etc. It just warms your heart when towards the end the son learnt so much more about his father.
13 Tzameti is about a destitute immigrant worker who steals an envelope containing instructions for a mysterious job that could pay out a fortune. Following the instructions, the young man unwittingly becomes trapped in a dark and dangerous situation where men bet on the lives of other men with a game of Russian Roulette. It should keep you glued to your seat for awhile.
Lastly, Run Lola Run, starring Frank Potente whom also starred alongside Matt Damon in Bourne Identity, follows a woman who needs to retrieve 100,000 Deutsche Mark in 20 minutes to save her boyfriend’s life. The movie itself begins by posing questions pertaining to the unpredictability of the world and the unknowable nature of its meaning. It suggests that drastically disparate consequences can alter the fates of different people from a one second change in the time of one person’s running. It makes one question more about your own life and what it might have been with just a different decision being made in a split second.
Steve
January 23rd, 2009 at 3:13 pm
touching, i love photography. how do you know when dere’s a photo exhibit in town?
January 24th, 2009 at 3:57 am
hey peggy that was really touching. thanks a lot for sharing! :)
January 25th, 2009 at 2:26 am
wow. towards the end i was teary eyed. Loved it. Happy CNY! Cheers!
January 25th, 2009 at 3:12 am
wow thanks guys.
pearlyn.t, for this one I just happened to see the information in a pamphlet from esplanade when i went for one of the recitals few weeks ago. yup. actually i think they are publicized in various magazines too. i think i read about it in 8days too.
January 26th, 2009 at 10:34 am
Hi Pegs, Thanks for sharing this hearwarming and self-reflective entry….. sometimes it makes ppl think back on our own lives and the people we love around us – how much we had taken them for granted…. yet how much they mean to us…
keep such entries coming :) Happy MOOOOOO Year :)
February 3rd, 2009 at 10:17 am
She was one of the six siblings raised by her father after the death of her mother. Kelton Multimedia